Becoming Conscious
by joeypoey16
Summary: James hurt her, he hurt her beyond anything she could comprehend. But if she had not been able to forgive him, little Harry would have never been born.   - An insight into Lily Evans' mind while she was dating James at Hogwarts


**Hopefully this can give you an insight into the mind of Lily Evans during her Hogwarts years. Lily and James had to have some sort of big fight at one stage in their relationship, because I believe that you cannot know true love until you've been through hell and back.**

**This was originally meant to be something other than for Harry Potter, as it is based on my own personal experiences (cosincidentaly the guy i wrote this about is named James aswell...) but it seemed to fit in with what Lily may have thought at some stage.**

**It is my first fic, I know its not very long but I hope you like it! Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Harry Potter stories, characters and/or ideas.**

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><p>It had been coursing through her mind for months now. But she would never say it out loud, not even to herself. Because if she said it out loud, it would become real. And it could never be real, ever again. If she never says it out loud, it will never be real. And it will melt back into her mind and never exist again. Ever.<p>

Although, it had always been there in the far reaches of her consciousness. It would linger on the threshold of conscious thought, wandering through the dreams she never remembered and teetering around the edges of those she did. Hiding in the shadows. Always ignored and denied but never forgotten. For how could she unconsciously forget something that she had already consciously forgotten?

That is, until a few months ago. It seeped forward from where she hid it, freed from the cages and chains and locks in that place of her mind she didn't even know existed. And why you might ask? Because of him. It had always been because of him. He showed her exactly what it was and how it was nothing she could ever have expected. Sure, she had read it in books and seen it in films, but nothing could prepare her for it. It caught her off guard, and he was the one who released it. But once unleashed he could not call it back. He was the one who forced her to push it back into that part of her mind she still doesn't know exists. To deny and lie to herself, to stop the raw pain from consuming her completely. To stop the thoughts that burned the holes in her chest, until she became a shell so devoid of emotion that she didn't even recognise herself.

And now, with a simple glance and a simple smile, he caused her to discover it again. A pinprick of light in her grey mind. Grey not black, as she had gone through the black to find the grey. If she was still in the black, it's doubtful that his light would have been able to get through at all. As it was, she was not sure she wanted that light there, for it had put her into the black in the first place. She had already resigned to stay in the grey forever, it was better than the black she reasoned with herself. But now the light had found its way in and was slowly releasing the chains of what she had unconsciously caged this whole time.

But she fought against the light, she fought valiantly. She remembered the light and the pain it could cause. Why couldn't it just leave her alone! She had found the grey, a place where she would never have to experience the pain again, even if it meant giving up the colours. So she shut out the light, blocked its entry into her mind. But she could never block it out completely, because she could never block out the source. He was too strong, even for her most resilient defences. She fought valiantly, but she lost. Or did she win?

For now that the chains were off, the locks broken and cages open it had become conscious thought again. And she saw the colour again, the beautiful colours that fixed the burns in her chest and put the butterflies back in her stomach. She remembered this feeling; it had retreated when she locked _it_ away and resigned herself forever to the grey. But she was wary, she knew that the brighter the colours, the deeper the black. But she couldn't help herself, the light revealed colours too warm and too inviting to ignore. And it was he who provided that light, like no one else could. And so it became conscious, began to course through her mind again, through her blood, through her very sense of being. And that was when she knew. Knew that it was as fundamentally a part of her as her eyes, her brain and her heart. Without it she simply would not be. And it was all because of him. Everything always was. And it could only be expressed in one way outside of her mind. It could only be expressed through the words that would make it real. It would only be expressed through the words she could say to him and only him. It could only be expressed through the words, 'I love you James'.


End file.
